7 of the MANLIEST VIDEO GAMES EVER, MAN


What’s up guys? Anyone who says, “Video games have no value”
probably hasn’t picked up a controller since they returned ‘Doom’ to Blockbuster. Ya know, I’m not gonna wear these. They’re fake there’s no lenses. I don’t care if that’s what the hipsters are
doing. I wouldn’t use a crutch ironically. Oops. From exploring the galaxy, to creating one
yourself, to surviving the zombie apocalypse, games give you an outlet to explore the consequences
of multiple actions in a huge variety of settings. So here are “7 of the MANLIEST VIDEO GAMES
A MAN EVER GAMED, MAN”. I’ll be giving out achievements for things
like strength and honor and wisdom and manliness. But you know they’ll have fun little names like trophies and achievements. Number 7. The EVER-PRESENT achievement goes to that
hero that never takes a sick day, that champions against evil full-time, and rarely–if ever–attends
a social gathering…unless it’s to gather intel. Let’s not ‘bat’ around the bush…it’s
BATMAN. Specifically from Arkham Knight. Side note…I might actually have to accept
the cowl one day and be Batman. My name’s Adam. Adam West? There’s something there. Number 6. TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK…is not a multiplayer award. Ok, I see how that’s misleading, I get that
now. Let’s move on. LOYALTY! I don’t know a ton about METAL GEAR SOLID
the franchise but METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN is oozing testosterone. (cough) Gross. Whether its stealthily infiltrating,
blowing everything up, or taking down the bad guys, Snake can do it all and he does it with
the unyielding support of his buddies – straight from an action-packed military thriller. Oh, and did I mention he’s voiced by Jack
Bauer? Hey, it’s me, Snake. Uh…I need to…I need to get into the, the
compound. Give me a helicopter and a dog, and a horse,
and a sniper…over. He shoulda been on a phone just then. I don’t know. Number 5. The FAMILY GUY. Because a man…(like Godfather) “Because
a man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.” I can’t think of a better way to spend time
with your family than by adventuring together. So this one goes to UNCHARTED 4. Everyman explorer Nathan Drake shares his modern-day Indiana Jonsing with those closest to him. Including: his love-interest-turned-wife Elena,
his revenant brother, Sam, and his father figure and mentor, Sully. (kinda like George Michael) And his father
figure Sully Who knows, maybe there’ll even be a little
Drake exploring some day. Number 4. The STEEL STONZ achievement goes to that
game with the most chilling feats of bravery. Turns out, overthrowing a dictator offers
plenty of opportunities for just that, that’s why this one goes to Just Cause 3. (Rico: Let’s do this.) Rico Rodriguez is basically an Expendable
with an endless supply of grapples, cars, tanks, planes, boats, weapons, and cheesy
one-liners. (Rico: Can you hear me now?) (What are you some kind of action hero?) The cherry on top of this one-man army is
that it all takes place in maybe the most beautiful, expansive world map I’ve ever seen. Sometimes taking out the bad guy or finding the treasure has to take a back seat to Just Surviving Somehow. So the JSS award goes to the manliest survival
story ever. And it’s definitively Tomb Raider. Before Lara Croft was raiding tombs she was
trying not to die when the whole world was trying to kill her. Survival is a human instinct and not a distinctly
male one, but you can’t watch her take rebar to the side and not think, “I wish I was that
tough.” Ouch. This piece goes in (muffled) …with your friends on multiplayer. FOR QUEEN and COUNTRY. Defending the homeland. Nationa…National duty. A death wish. Who knows why this guy does what he does,
but nobody does it better. That’s right, this achievement is accomplished
by none other than James Bond in his greatest game ever – GOLDENEYE 64. If you see this and say, “Yeah, that’s
a KF7 Soviet… …Yeah that’s a PP7.” If you always wanted a watch laser. If you understand the hardship of playing
as Jaws against a crouching Oddjob, then you know the impact that this game had on a generation. It didn’t invent, but nearly perfected the
first person shooter. And call me nostalgic, but wasn’t it great
when you could turn on a game and you were in the core gameplay in seconds instead of
sitting though 40 minutes of cutscenes? I mean, the cutscenes are good now, I know
that. But sometimes I just wanna be cut loose you
know? And it includes the most gymnastic army of
all time. I mean look at this guy. What’s he doing? And what are those boxes filled with…gasoline? Plutonium? Kerosine? Petroleum? (trying to sound British) They’re filled with
petrol. (mumbles…something about bread pudding) And finally the NOT MY FI…K FINE! achievement. Sometimes you have to defend what’s right,
even when it’s not your fight. And sometimes you have to make the kind of
hard choices that will have lasting consequences for the people you’re fighting with. (Amita: Let me understand) FAR CRY 4 is all about choosing how you walk
these beautifully unfamiliar paths. It turns you loose pretty early in a colorful
world full of quests, wilderness, and wildlife. Set against the gray morality of conflicting
leaders, you will make the decisions that will determine who will end up being the leader
of this free world. (Amita: We’re at war.) In most Far Cry games you play as a character dropped into the right place at the wrong time. (nothing like Dr. John) Well it musta been
the right place. Musta been the wrong time. That’s a terrible Dr. John impression. But Far Cry 4 is my favorite game, and here’s
why: I’ll go quickly. The wide variety of vehicles and animals to
traverse with. 2 The variety and sheer quantity of the weapons. Number 3 the rewarding skill and crafting
system. And the huge, beautiful world of Kyrat. I would live there in a heart beat. I mean, sure their leaders are morally ambiguous,
but I already live in America so… (Joke drum fill) Well guys, that was my list for the manliest
games. Leave me a comment and tell me what I missed. Maybe I’ll do a future episode about it. As always, I’ll never bug you to subscribe. See ya later. Game on! That was corny. I’m like, from Portland, so…

One thought on “7 of the MANLIEST VIDEO GAMES EVER, MAN

  1. Such a good list and so well edited! Surprised you don't have more subs, even if this video is 3 years old

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