(Talking from outside the room) (Talking continues…) I got a test in the morning… …hit the tendon. You gotta hit the tendon. Could you freaks keep it down? Uh, yeah, sure. I have a huge test in the morning and a book to finish… …and I can’t concentrate with you guys jerking off all night. Knock it off. Come on, let’s go guys. That was such a good movie. That’s easily the best anime thing I’ve ever seen in my life. He had to have, like, a dex of 20 or something. That’s true, that’s true. I completely agree. You know what I’d like to see? A fight between that guy and that dark elf with the scimitars. OOOHH! Totally, totally. That’d be awesome. So, where’s Mark? Uh, oh, uh, he had uh, he’s going to be late… …he had a paper or something. No. Actually, I think he’s going out with Molly tonight. What? Oh man!
(Everyone grumbling) Dude, what’s up with that?
People with girlfriends, man. Everyone have their character sheets?
Right here, definitely. Everyone got their dice? I got your dice right here.
Sweet. You’re going to be needing those tonight, ya know? Oh yeah, that means battles guys! Big battles. Oh yeah. Uh huh. I might finally get to use that sword of ogre decapitation. Djahhh, that’d be awesome.
I’d love it. We’re starting here… …everyone remember where we left off?
Oh yeah. It was at the battle of Black Fields where Rogar’s blood brother was killed. NOOOooo!! No, guys, that was last week. No, I remember. We were at the town of Westhaven… …um, Nimble’s sister got murdered outside the temple. Why?! WHY?!?! Dude, we’re way past there. Huh?
We are? Oh, I don’t remember that. You ended up outside Dragonmead, don’t you remember? The inn? The note pinned to the door. Oh, the note!
Remember that? With the dagger in the door and the note hanging down. I wrote that down. I said that the first time. Well, let’s just read that again to recap that, shall we? From the hand of his Majesty, Orlando the reasonably just,on the eve of Haversford in the Year of ill Fortune.I fear for the life of the princess, my only daughter and heiress to my kingdom.She was kidnapped from the royal gardens and taken south by the black priests in service of…‘The Shadow’.(Shocked) The Shadow?
(Scared) The Shadow? (Resolved) The Shadow. He has threatened to throw her into the pit of slow and horribly painful death,unless I surrender the throne. You are the princess’s only hope, you brave adventurers……Rogar the Barbarian, warrior prince of the icewalker tribe……Newmoon, elven archer and ambassador to the realms of man… …Nimble, Master Agent of the Thieves Guild, only recently paroled by royal decree… …and Ambrose, journeyman mage of the West Haven Wizards’ School.Dude, don’t forget Mark!What? Oh right…Mark the Red, last of the Blood-Fire Berserkers.Only you can save the princess, succeed and you may name your reward. A noble quest, let us free the wench and slay her captor. Name our reward, access to the kingdom treasury of course. We should speak with the folk in the commons first. They may know what awaits us to the South. I agree with the mage. To the commons. Alright. The common room is full of travelers and a few town folk. You find a table near the fireplace. What do you do? Rogar orders the strongest drink they have. The barmaid warns you, ‘Dwarven ale is not for the weak of stomach’. Yeah, you might want to pass on that. Relax, Rogars stamina is 18, there’s only a 10% chance he’ll be affected. Then you’re really going to risk it? Yeah. Ok. Roll your stamina. You fail. The barmaid warned him. It would seem that our barbarian friend cannot handle his ale. Ha! It is too early for ale, but the time is always right for some wine. I’ll be back with four, make that three, glasses. But you haven’t any money. However shall you pay? Leave that up to me. There’s only one patron at the bar, and he doesn’t notice you.I pick his pocket.Roll it. Ha ha, got it! Does he have any, uh, weapons or anything?Yeah, he’s got a knife.I take that too.Ok. Roll it. Ha Ha. Cool, I’m kicking ass! I want to steal his pants.You’re not serious.I am serious.Why do you want his pants?I don’t want them. I just want to see if I can steal them. Fine go ahead, but you suffer a -8 penalty for difficulty. I don’t believe it. Are you quite finished? Yeah. Oh, and I order some wine from the innkeeper. Dude, I can’t believe you took his pants! I know. Lucky roll. Dude, am I still unconscious? Yeah. Alright. I look around the common room. Do I recognize anyone? Let’s find out. He’s about 7 feet tall and he’s built like a lighthouse. Not good!
Oh Shit.He’s got a nasty scar on his cheek, and an ugly club in his hand. it’s Hunk, the mercenary you guys left for dead outside the Castle of Almost Certain Doom. He recognizes you instantly, snarls, and lumbers over to your table. (Norwegian accent) You bastards! Tought I vas dead, did not you? Vell, I’m not, but soon yur going to be, because I’m going to kill you dead, d’yah hear me? D-E-D, Dead! Well, shit! What do we do? Am I still unconscious? Oh yeah. Did Hunk see Nimble at the bar? What? Nimble was at the bar when Hunk showed up. Did he see him at the bar? Let’s check. Nope. Ah. Booyah, I sneak into backstab position. You’re going to attack him? What good is that going to do? Duh! I do triple damage when I attack from behind! I sneak into place behind Hunk and unsheathe my dagger. Just your dagger? Hm. Good point. I’ll use my sword.Even with triple damage, it’s not going to kill a guy Hunk’s size. Wait, I have a better idea! You’re going to backstab him with a ballista? Uh huh. With a fucking siege weapon? Uh huh. Ok. There’s got to be a rule against this. There probably is a rule though. I can totally picture this guys. (makes squeaking sounds) You know wheeling it in, and then cranking it up. Oh…dude! It’s too much. Well, there’s nothing against it in the rules. Yeah. I can’t believe I’m doing this… Well, that’s 264 points of damage. You splatter Hunk all over the common room. The patrons shriek in horror and run out of the inn, occasionally slipping on blood and entrails. You’re now alone in a room that looks like a vat of beef stroganoff exploded in it. Cool. You leave the inn and town and you head south for most of the day… …and you spend the night in a forest clearing. Ok, who wants first watch? Am I awake now? You’re a little hung over, but you’re awake. Ok. I take first watch. Do I see anything strange that night?As a matter of fact, you do. I ready my sword.I draw my dagger.You’re still asleep.Oh yeah. Who are you? Speak or I will smite thee with my mighty blade.Smite thee with my mighty blade?Shut up!Help me, please save me. I am imprisoned in the south. She wishes us to free her.Dude, you’re still asleep.Me too?Yeah. Free you? Where are you mysterious lady? Who holds you prisoner? The Shadow. (Shocked) The Shadow?
(Scared) The Shadow? (Resolved) The Shadow. Fear not, noble lady. We shall free you. By morning you will again sup the sweet air of freedom.Sup the sweet air of freedom?Shut up!You guys are all asleep! Not you Rogar.Oh…sorry. To the south, come to the south… Past the river through the ruins of the ancient castle… Free me. Please. To the south. You journey southward for several days.You brave dark forests, cross vast plains.You climb steep cliffs and wind through mountain trails.Day after day, the four of you push farther south.Uh, thefiveof us.Right. After a week’s journey, you come to a river that blocks your path. Dude. What. Aren’t you forgetting something? Like what? Like your character’s paralyzing fear of water, perhaps? Oh yeah, that’s right. There’s no bridge or boat, but it is shallow enough to wade across. I’m not going near any water. Well, we’ll have to knock him out. What? I punch him in the head. Roll ’em. Ambrose takes 2 damage, but he’s not out.Here, let me try. I’m a better fighter.Let’s see, where’s my good die? Uh, here it is. Come on 20. Am I unconscious yet?No, but you took another 4 damage. Here let me. Here’s my good die.Roll well.Alright. I’ll show you guys how to do this.Carefull! Well, Ambrose is very unconscious. That’s 19 damage. 19? I’m dead! You killed me! Oops. Does anyone have healing magic? He did. I’m sorry? Way to fucking kill me, dude! Well, just roll up another character. He can jump in later. 19 damage. After you cross the river… Wait, wait! Cross the river. Shouldn’t we, like, bury him? You know, like give him a proper funeral? I agree. Thanks guys! Yeah, dude, we get, like, 15 piety points per level when we bury a party member, and since he was level 6… That’d be like 90 points! Boo yah! And that’ll totally make up for that orphanage we burned down. Alas, poor Ambrose, we hardly knew thee. Dibs on the knife.
I get the bag. The staff is mine. After burying Ambrose, you make it safely across the river.You continue your voyage south along the forest trail.Everything goes smoothly until… Uh, wait a minute. An ambush? I’m an elf. I shouldn’t have missed the ambush. So, you were taken by surprise. Why didn’t I get a surprise roll? I rolled for you. You failed. Still I have the detect ambush skill. Dude, I wanna roll. Dude, you were surprised! No, with detect ambush I get an automatic roll, even in a surprise situation! Yes, but to get that check you have to say that you’re looking for an ambush! I always expect an ambush! You don’t always expect an ambush. How do you ever sleep? Well, that’s beside the point… I would naturally expect an ambush in an unfamiliar forest. Dude, I want my check. No, you weren’t expecting the ambush when you entered the forest, therefore, I rule that you were taken by surprise. May I continue now? Yeah. Unbelievable. 19 fricking points. Make way for the Bandit King! All hail the Bandit King! Hail! Hail! Hail! Good day gentlemen. I am the Bandit King. This road… Would you let me finish his speech first? Why should I? He’s going to try to kill us. You don’t know that. Besides, you’re still surprised. Surprise doesn’t wear off for 3 rounds and you don’t get to attack. Whatever. Hey, isn’t Mark supposed to be here? Uh yeah… …he’s over there. This road belongs to me, and there’s a toll. See, the Bandit King is in the employ of… …The Shadow. (Shocked) The Shadow?
(Surprised) The Shadow? (Resolved) The Shadow. Should you choose to pass peacefully, the toll is merely all your worldly possessions. You are seriously pissing me off. What? Three rounds is 15 seconds. I counted them off. After 3 rounds, I’m no longer surprised, so I get the attack. Yeah right. Ok, well, you can’t attack until I say so. Dude, it’s in the rules. Here, 15 seconds, uh… No. We spent most of that arguing. You can’t attack until I say so. Now stop killing him and let him finish talking. It’s in the rules. Should you choose to pass peacefully the toll, is merely all your worldly possessions. Should you choose to fight? The toll is you lives. It’s your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate… That’s it! Well, the bandits have a +4 morale. They also have a +2 terrain bonus from the forest, and the ambush. So, set your to-hit rolls at a +6. Do I get the bonus from the Sword of Ogre Decapitation? No, actually, that only works on Ogres. That’s why it’s called the Sword of Ogre Decapitation. Nice try. Now begins the killing followed by a light salad. Charge! You’re fired! Alright, so whose initiative is it?
I think it’s mine. Hey guys, am I to late to join?
Mark! Dude, I’m so glad you’re here. Thank goodness. We’re getting our asses kicked. We’re in a battle?
Hell yeah! Am I there?
Yeah. Where am I?
Right here. Can I go into a Berserker Rage? I go into a Berserker Rage! Blood, Death, and Vengance! Beautifully cut, Sir Mark! My blades were thirsty today.Is the Bandit King among the dead?No, in fact he’s running away down the path. Stop him! Oh. How far away is he? About 100 yards. That’s extreme range even for an elf. Um, how much cover does he have? The forest is a little thicker around here. It’s about 9/10ths. Don’t forget the -2 wound penalty. What’s your to-hit? I can only hit on a 20. I take the shot. Booyah! Masterful shot, friend elf. He had the chance to escape. Three cheers for the archer!
Hup hup! Hazah! Hup hup! Hazah! Hup hup! Shut Up! God damn it! I’m trying to study here! It’s not like I’m asking much! If you guys don’t knock it off, I’m going to call the fucking RD. God, how many times do I have to put up with that? I cannot believe this! It’s sick bullshit! Maybe we should keep it down. Prob…probably. And on that note, I gotta go. What? But you just got in the door!
Why the hell do you have to go? I promised Molly that I’d take her out to coffee. You know. I’ll have to take over your character you know.
Yeah I know. Have fun storming the castle. Can you believe this? He’s missed the last 3 sessions. We should kill his character. Yeah, yeah, kill him! That’ll teach him to interact with females. Can you believe he would actually rather go out with a beautiful, intelligent young woman, than hang out in this ass-smelling basement with his best friends, on a Friday night playing adventure games and having belching contests? And all for the off chance he’ll score too! Can you imagine that? So…we’re in the forest, right? Uh yeah, the forest. You follow Brigands Road for a few hours until the forest swallows the pathand you are again in the wilderness.You hike for 3 more days……and eventually follow a trail into the foothills of Connadure. As you exit the hills……the land slopes down before you.There on the plain below you, you see the broken ruins of a once great castle,sitting solemnly in the shadows. The Princess must be in that castle. Onward, our journey is nearing its end. You see a young man standing in the ruins.He’s dressed in flowing wizards robes and has an air of mystery around him. Dude, is this your new character? Yeah. Guys, please! I want you to roleplay this. Remember you’ve never met this guy before, the last guys you met tried to kill you, and you’re standing in the ruins of an evil, cursed castle. Just act appropriately. Hello. I’m Magellan, a traveling mage. I notice your group has no wizard. You seem trustworthy. Would you care to join us in our noble quest? Yes. Yes, I would. Broken stones and petrified wood litter the ground outside the castle.You follow the remains of what was once a major road to the ruinsonly to find a set of massive iron bars blocking the entrance. Ok. I rip them out of the way. What’s your strength? 19. That’s a 95% chance of success. Roll ’em. Oh! Ooo!
I don’t believe this. Here, why don’t I have Newmoon give it a try?What’s your strength?
Six.Ok. Roll it. Lift with the legs, Rogar, not the back. It’s very dark. Ambrose… It’s Magellan. Whatever, is it safe? We shall see.Ok. I’ll use my staff of evil detection. Well, is it safe? It most assuredly is not. A dark narrow passage snakes off into the fortress. There’s a sputtering torch every 20 yards or so, but they aren’t giving off enough light to push back the darkness. Nimble takes point. The air gets warmer and harder to breath the farther you go into the ruins. After a few turns, you come to a large door. It’s locked. Hmm. I pick the lock. Do I see anything odd in the next hall?
Nope. I walk down the hall. Did I say walk down the hall? I meant sneak down the hall. So why didn’t you say sneak before? I shouldn’t have to. I’m a thief, I sneak every where I go. No you don’t. You don’t sneak around in broad daylight, you don’t sneak around in church. No, but I do sneak around in a danger zone. Yeah, but you didn’t know there was a trap in the room so you didn’t know it was a danger zone. Did ya? Look. A thief of my level wouldn’t walk blindly into a possibly trapped room. Like you did. I wouldn’t have if you’d just… Fine. Fine. We’ll do it again. Did I say sneak down the hall?
Yes, you did. Well, as a master thief, of course I would know when to be weary of such traps. Uh huh. And what would a master thief do in such a situation? Easy. I crawl down the hall an inch at a time looking for traps. Whatever. Damn it. Who’s got the most hit points? Rogar. Of course. Well you do it then.
Ok. Rogar takes 35 points of damage. Oh no! I’ve only got 85 points left! Ohhh, Ohhh, Oohhhhh! (Crowd applause) You follow the hall into a vast new room in the middle of which you see a stone throne. Seated upon the throne is a figure who strikes terror into your hearts.He’s dressed in midnight blacks and blues, and his cloak billows around his form-fitting armor. His face is masked, but his body moves with deadly grace and precision.His name rises from your nightmares. He is known as… (Shocked) The Shadow! (Surprised) The Shadow? (Resolved) The Shadow. I’ve been waiting, waiting for you to come to me, and now I have you. You, who have caused me so much trouble in the past. Rogar, Newmoon, Nimble, Ambrose… Magellan!Magellan, sorry… and Mark. You’ve beaten my bandits, you’ve bested my traps, but to rescue the princess, you must defeat me. Now come, come and let us finish this game. Oh dear… I’m going to prepare a spell.
Which one? Polymorph other. Dude, that spell takes a ton of time to prepare. The Shadow’s going to waste us before you’re done. Well, then give me a distraction. Send Mark after him. That’s good!
Yeah, have Mark attack him. OK Dude. don’t forget his battle cry…Blood, death, and vengance. And now for the rest of you. Great, Mark’s going to be pissed. How’s that spell coming?
I need more time. The Shadow steps towards you to engage you in combat. Call shot to the nuts!
What? Combat rules state that the crotch is a vital area. If you hit an opponent in a vital area, he’s stunned for one round. Call shot to the nuts. You will pay for your insolence. Oh, that hurt!Alright guys, I’ve got my spell ready.
(Chanting) Da me he fermentum What the hell did you turn him into? An ogre. Why, those things are dangerous?! Sword of Ogre Decapitation. You’ve done it! You’ve killed the Shadow! We came, we saw, we kicked his nuts! And wait, uh, what about the Princess? Is she not in the room?
No. Maybe there’s a door somewhere? I look around for a secret door.
Good call. Well, you see a secret trap door behind the Shadow’s throne. It leads down into another dark corridor. We’re not done yet, guys. There might be harder stuff further along. What, harder than The Shadow? I doubt it. Let’s just keep going.The new corridor comes to an abrupt end, blocked by a door that leads farther underground.A soft light is shining underneath it. Can we hear anything inside?You hear muffled voices. You make out at least 2, but there could be more. Pick the lock, thief. Shhhh…did you guys hear something? No, I didn’t. Did you?
No, I guess not. Nimble, you hear 3 more voices.There are at least 5 of them. We must take this door. It is the only passage. What vile demons lie beyond this door? We’ll see in a moment. Ready yourselves. Nimble picks the lock while the rest of you prepare for battle. Whoever’s inside keeps talking. You don’t think you’ve been heard. (Clunk) We’re keeping it down, damn it! Shut the hell up out there! You hear an angry shout.We’ve been heard. We’ve lost the element of surprise. They know we’re here! Kill ’em. Kick the door in and kill them all! Where’s the princess? Forget the princess, who are these strange sorcerers? Amazing! My entire life is written here! My intelligence is 4! Outrageous! Give me that pen! God damn it! I have tried to be nice, but you guys are so un-fucking-believably noisy! Some of us have lives and have to study. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to call campus-fucking-safety! The Princess! We’ve found her! Leave me out of your sick-ass fantasy, weirdo. Nice ears, loser. Fucking gamers.