The Patient Gamer


Hey, what you playing? It’s this new Assassin’s Creed thing Oh, I didn’t know they made one this year Wait, that’s not new, that’s the first one New to me! Woah, you’ve got a lot of games here Yeah, well I’ve been waiting a long time to play these and I’m glad I did This Altaïr guy, he’s going places Waiting for what? The price! I wait for it to drop to something reasonable, and then buy it used These are a decade old! What is a reasonable price for you? Two dollars! Five (dollars) on special occasions This, this is how you game the system Wait, so you won’t buy anything until it hits the bargain bin at a retro games store? Just pirate them and save yourself some time Unlike you I have some respect for the artists You’re buying used copies! The developers aren’t even getting that pocket change! At least be a socially acceptable leech like the rest of us and use Steam sales I’m more comfortable with hard copies Oh my god, it’s like talking to 2007 Tell you what though, I’m pretty sure I’ve cracked the future of gaming Motion controls Ok, if you’re gonna do this, then I have some things to tell you I’m from your future, listen carefully. Half-Life 3 Yeah? Still not a thing Oh, well that’s a surprise I guess I’ll just console myself with Duke Nukem Forever That one actually did happen What, was it good? No, no… Of course not There will be more Assassin’s creeds, too many to count But you only need every other game Things to avoid: the Kinect, The Ouya Anything EA has ever touched If any game says Early Access by the time you get to it, it’s not worth trying Peter Molyneux is a false prophet, do not believe him Invest in a PC, the console wars are beneath you The most addicting game in the world is a low resolution lego simulator Now when you find it I won’t see you again for about a year, so at least text me to let me know you’re okay Mass Effect 3… Don’t do that If you were ever a SEGA fan I’m really sorry, but it somehow gets worse One day there will be a game that breaks all expectations of what is possible It will be a nearly infinite universe, with procedurally generated planets That you can land on, and manipulate, and change and other players will be able to see the impact you have on those worlds because they’re interacting with the same universe It’s the game that you’ve always dreamed of And it’s just awful, it’s really disappointing, don’t buy it Aww, man, you’re talking about Spore aren’t you? Oh, right! That, yeah, no, no That’s not what I was talking about, that happens twice Well, this has been illuminating and mostly disappointing Um, but thanks One more question: I’ve been hearing about this Skyrim thing Is that worth buying? Oh, yeah it’s fantastic, I just pre-orderdered it for, like, the fourth time *Ding-dingety music plays* *Ding dingety music still plays*

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